South America

My four-year old granddaughter called me tonight at 8:15 PM. “Hi, Gram Gram!”

“Hi Catey! What’s happening tonight with you?”

“Nothing’s happening, Gramma,” she said, sounding sad. So droll…

“So is that good or bad, Catey?”

“It’s good, Gramma,” she said, sounding more upbeat.

“So Catey, do you know how much I love you?” I asked her, starting our game.

“Gramma, do you know how much I love YOU?” She took up the mantle.

“No, Catey, how much?” I chuckled.

“I love you all the way to the moon and the stars and back!” she crowed.

“Wow, Catey, that’s far. And I love you all the way to your house and back!”

“Gramma, I love you all the way to the moon and the stars and to your house and the sun, and all the way to Florida, and SOUTH AMERICA and BACK!”

I had to stop for a minute. Florida and South America were new in the game. She’s been to Florida to Disney World, but South America was totally outside the box.

“What two states do you love me there and back to, Gram Gram?”

I paused. “Africa and Washington, Catey!” She’d never heard of either one.

We played until she was bored, and then talked about brushing her teeth and some kind of blue stuff her mom puts on her teeth and then she brushes it off. And then she hung up… leaving me wondering.

South America?

New Love

My cousin died three years ago, leaving behind the wonderful vibrant woman who had been his wife for 46 years. They didn’t have an easy life; he was a firefighter, and a family man. He was in his early twenties, newly married, when he was diagnosed with Krone’s disease, and she was there with him. A few years later, his father died, and he stepped up and became a surrogate father and mentor to his eight younger siblings… and she was there with him. When my cousin died after a too-long illness, my heart broke for his wife who had been with him every step of the way. She was his champion. And now she was alone.

And then this new man came into her life. A nice man, a sweet man, a fun man. They fell madly, passionately in love. I know she didn’t expect this bonus in her life; the surprise in her eyes and laughter is still evident. She tentatively told the family about him, and I think she was surprised by the support that most of them gave her, even her mother-in-law. But she was also disappointed in the ones that judged her and found her wanting.

She came to visit this weekend, bringing her new man to meet us. I think she knew we would welcome him, and we did. He makes her happy. That alone gave him a free pass into our lives. As we got to know him over the past two days, we learned to like him for our own reasons. He meshed.

Our dear cousin-in-law is so happy. She is just laughing and joyful and basking in the luxury of being cherished and loved. It has been a great deal of fun to be around them. They are so sweet, making moon eyes at each other that they didn’t think we caught, holding hands under the table and giggling off to the side when they thought we wouldn’t notice. It made me remember that giddy, just-fell-in-love, can’t-keep-our-hands-off-each-other feeling of being newly together.

He has a Charley Pride song that he says fits the way he feels about her. He brought it in and played it for me and they were giggling and then dancing, right there in my office, twirling around and around. And I went to my darling and we danced, too, in our silly pajamas and bed-head hair. They took us right along with them in their joy.

I am feeling so much older and experienced than my dear cousin, even though she has ten years on me. I find myself giving her advice – I have tread the waters of a new relationship and all the minefields of the families involved, so I do have something to offer. So I chuckle to myself, but tell it like it is anyway, because that is what I do, and she lets me.

But mostly, I am just happy for both of them. They both deserve this happiness, this bonus love in their lives. And I want a piece of it, I do. So I watch, and I smile, and I hold my darling’s hand under the table, and renew that wonderful feeling of being newly in love.

I feel so grateful for my happiness, and theirs. And I feel hopeful for the future, because this lesson is that the future has surprises in store, and they are good.

~Jan

Highway Beauty

I was driving from Tonawanda to Orchard Park yesterday, just zoning, kind of, and then something happened. I drove around a curve, a cloud moved, and the sun struck some grasses that were growing next to the highway in just the right way. I caught my breath. It was stunning, just stunning. I was so struck by the aura I could see around these great big grass heads. I shook my head and smiled. I felt myself switching to that place inside that connects me to the universe. The place where I feel so lucky to be alive.

I kept watching for them. They were everywhere. There was a field of them by the railroad hump and they were moving in the wind, the sun sparkling around them. I had to grab quick glances and then look back at the road. My heart filled with joy.

The joy shot all through me. I felt appreciation for the friend I was driving to see, who is my chiropractor, who was fitting me into her schedule on her first (busy) day back from vacation. I am so lucky to know her! I basked in the joy of that friendship for awhile. And just look around – what a nice day it was for November! The sun was shining, the sky was blue, the clouds were white and puffy, and those grass heads – they were just unbelievable!

I went to my appointment and had a wonderful visit and healing with my friend. When I drove home, the sun had set a little and I was driving in the other direction, and the grass heads that I had so enjoyed on my trip to the appointment were now just dull brown pieces of the landscape. Ah, well, I was still enjoying the “universe hook-up” that they had pushed me to earlier, and I sang all the way home.

Today my husband and I took a ride along the river to make some sales calls for our business. It was another pretty day, and I drove while my husband told me stories, and we were at our destination in no time. When I am feeling connected, my husband and I get along so well. I pointed out the grasses to Pat, and we started looking for some that I could get close to and look at, and maybe even photograph. After lunch we found some adjoining the parking lot of the restaurant. I walked over and stood next to them – and looked up and up! They're were some that were four feet tall and then some that were at least fourteen feet tall. I walked around to the other side of the stand of grass and just marveled.  They didn’t look that tall from my truck when I was driving yesterday!

It was so cool. Just so cool.

I am so damn lucky to be alive and living on this planet. I don’t remember those grasses being around when I was younger. There were milk weeds and lots of brush next to the highway but not huge stands of grass. I hope that every time I look at them from now on, I feel the same wonderment. I think I’ll carry some in my pocket. Because that feeling, that feeling that seeing the grasses gave me is how I want to feel all the time.

Because it feels that good.

~Jan

The Beginning

When I think about it, I know I am a pretty lucky woman. I have a wonderful husband of almost 20 years, two beautiful daughters, two wonderful step-children, and between them all, eight grandchildren. I have siblings I am very close to, friends who love me, great neighbors, and a nice little house. I live in a wealthy country, have always had enough to eat, and I have health insurance even though it costs me too much money. Like I said, I am a pretty lucky woman. So why am I sometimes miserable?

Well, sometimes I am. I just am. And when I think about it, I know I am the only one who can change it! 

The Real Me is very happy. Fun, happy and joyful. I have managed to regain a connection to the child inside me and I still remember how to play. But I worked at it… really worked at it. I found out a while back that I don’t have to believe my thoughts, and that the Real Me doesn’t agree with the programming I have running in the background.

So I decided to change it. Change the programming, the thoughts, and the judgments. I’ve changed a lot already. But I need to stop being aggravated and upset. I need to find the good in things. Feel the love of the universe for my soul.

I hope to take a look at the things, people and situations that aggravate me and see if I can lose the anger and find the love. I want this blog to be a tool that I use to connect to the joyous being that I really am.

And when I am connected to the universe, the higher truth of it all, I see beauty everywhere. I feel marvelous. The world is my oyster and I feel the love and acceptance of myself from the Real Me all the way down to my toes. And when I feel that good, I want to share. I want everyone to feel it, see it.

I promise to be honest. And hopefully I’ll grow. I want to feel light in every cell of my being. So let’s see what happens.

~Jan