Our 25th Anniversary

I met my Patrick 28 years ago, when one of Beth's private duty nurses set us up on a blind date.  We talked on the phone a few times before we met; what I remember the most about those conversations was that he asked me how I felt about my job.  FELT.  I was surprised that he wanted to know about my feelings ... in fact, I was impressed the moment he asked.  A man who talked about feelings.

He picked me up on a Wednesday night in late August of 1987.  He was older than he sounded on the phone; even now his voice has a youthful quality.  He came in and met my two daughters, my wheelchair-bound sister, and her second-shift nurse.  He gets big marks for not taking one look and leaving immediately.  He was sixteen years older than me, 48 years to my 32.  We were both taken aback by the age difference, but the wheels of the date were set in motion, so off we went.  When I got into his car, an old faded purple Monte Carlo with a mile-long hood and huge bench seat, I slammed my purse down in between us, just in case he got any ideas.   

He took me to an upscale waterfront restaurant, where we sat at the bar and had a drink, and talked.  He had a purse -- OK, it was really a camera bag that had aspirins and Kleenex and other important man things.  His camera of course.  Packages and packages of printed photos to show me. 

He was the most fascinating man.  He was a working man, a blue collar guy with a high school education who worked for the telephone company.  He had to travel a lot for his job, installing electrical equipment in telephone offices all around the northeast, and he made the best of it by becoming a tourist.  He was out of town for long periods of time which probably contributed to the breakdown of his marriage.  He had two college age children that he loved and talked about.  He was separated from his family in the most uncomfortable way and I could see he felt bereft and alone and I wasn't sure he was ready to date anyone.    

For dinner he took me to a little dive bar near the Chevy plant called Randazzo's.  They were known for their ninety-nine cent spaghetti dinner (with one meatball and plenty of sauce) and their five cent chicken wings.   The waitresses wore the menu on their T-shirts.  In my pencil skirt and silk blouse I was definitely the most dressed-up person there.  And we had so much fun.  When the waitress asked if we wanted dessert, I said "yes" and Patrick says now with a twinkle in his eye that he should have known I wasn't going to be a cheap date.  The whole bill with drinks and wings and spaghetti and the biggest plate of strawberry shortcake you've ever seen was $11.95.

He had the greatest stories.  He was a gentleman, and as a child of the seventies I wasn't used to that.  He opened my door and he walked on the street side of the sidewalk.  He was funny, and nice, and charming.  He thought about things.  He told atrocious jokes.  He could talk to anyone.  And I was completely captivated.

We didn't want the evening to end, so when he heard I hadn't been on the new subway, he bought us each a one-way ticket and off we went downtown.  We walked around and he pointed out historical buildings and different types of architecture and told me stories about it all. 

The last train went back to the UB station at 11:45 PM, and it was sitting at the stop, waiting, so we went to get on.  It was eighty-five cents for a ticket, but Pat didn't have the correct change for two tickets so he bought one ticket and put me on the train.  While I sat there and watched Pat through the window buttonholing everyone who came along for change for a dollar I wished I hadn't left my purse in the trunk of his car, and the train driver rang his bell impatiently.  Someone finally gave him the change and he threw the money into the ticket machine, jumped on the train, the driver slammed the door, and we took off with a lurch.  We laughed with relief and cuddled and had our first kiss on an almost deserted train car.  Three years later, we were married.

Pat proposed by saying, "If you and the kids were on my insurance, the medical bills wouldn't be crippling you." 

"But we'd have to be married for that,"  I said, putting away laundry.

"Yes, I know," he said.

"So is this a proposal?"  I slammed the bureau drawer and rolled my eyes.

"Yes, I guess it is," he said, smiling. 

I was smiling too, six months later, on September 29, 1990, at two o'clock in the afternoon, when we were married.  It was wonderful, with our family and friends surrounding us, an unforgettable day.  I sewed my wedding dress and one of the bridesmaid's dresses.  Both my daughters, eleven and thirteen years old, stood up with me along with my best girlfriend, Patti.  We even wrote our own vows.  (Well Pat did; I found what I wanted to say in a greeting card.  Three snips of the scissors, a little tape, and I rolled it up, stuck it in my bouquet, and when the time came, read it.) My sister was able to come to the wedding and the reception in her 200 pound power wheelchair; friends picked her up, chair and all, and carried her up the steps.  My brother catered it with fabulous food, and the 125 year old building's ballroom had just been completely restored.   It was the most perfect day.

For our honeymoon we drove to Florida, straight through, with no stopping.  Well, we stopped when we broke down, three times on the way down.  We camped at Disney World in a thirty-year-old smelly canvas tent, left over from the Korean war.  We flattened our air mattress three times and had to patch it.  We had more car troubles as we drove around Florida, and if you want to hear about that, email me and I'll send you the story.  But we had fun.  We've always had fun.  The motto we've adopted is "we're going to have a good time whether we want to or not."  And with my Patrick, good times abound.

We don't do a lot of special stuff on our anniver- sary, but we always give each other cards.  Love notes.  So this is my love note to you, Patrick.  I love you.  I remember everything.  I've had more than 25 years of fun.  I hope you have too.  Can't wait to see what the future brings.  Big smiles.

Your Janice

Thankfulness Post Project for November 2011

It was right after Halloween and the stores were already hammering us with Christmas sales.  Trees were up and holiday items were filling the stores.  Halloween was hardly over, there were still leaves on the trees, and Christmas seemed far away.  From comments on facebook it was obvious people noticed the push, and resented it.  The commercialism of Christmas had started even earlier than in the past, and it disgusted people.  I saw a cartoon and was inspired to act -- if we thought about what we already had, and appreciated it, perhaps we could have a little protest against all that commercialism.  So I posted a note on facebook, and each day I posted what I was grateful for.

It was neat that some people decided to join me.  And some of their friends joined them.  I hope we had a little bit of influence on the energy of the world as we counted our blessings. 

Here are all my posts, from where I began, November 4, to the last day, November 30.

My inspiration!


I've been seeing complaints about how the commercialism of Christmas is pissing everyone off this year. Good! So I have an idea. What if we posted one thing we are thankful for here on facebook every day in November? Your feed would be filled with positive messages and you would take the time during the stressful time of year to look around and actually BE thankful! And all the folks that just kind of stalk FB because 'they never have anything to say' would actually have something to post! I'm gonna do it. Get ready!

Day 1, Thankfulness post:  I am thankful for my health. I am truly 'fat and happy!' A few people in my life have some serious health problems. Blessings and love and light to them.

Day 2, Thankfulness post:  I am thankful for my husband, Patrick. I have been married to others (even in this lifetime), so I know how lucky I am! He loves me and always has my back, and my front, too, if I stand still long enough! We are surrounded with laughter, and that is really important to me. Twenty-four years we've known each other. I marvel at that! And he's still here! hahaha!

Day 3, Thankfulness post:  I love colors! Deep blues, the color of weathered wood, the sky, water, grass, the infinite colors of trees as they change in autumn, the tint of my grand-children's lips; I love them all. When I squint the shapes go away and only the colors remain. Thank you to my eyes for taking in the data, and to my brain for doing whatever it does to SEE all the beautiful colors.

Day 4, thankfulness post:  I am thankful for my people. All the people that I interact with and that reflect back to me the person that I am. I am amazed at all the interesting people I know, from wild and crazy dancers to Singapore-based business consultants to inter-dimensional communication specialists to healers to teachers to artists to dog trainers and more besides. Gosh, everyone I know is so cool. Thanks for being one of my people! I have an interesting life because of all of you!

Day 5, Thankfulness:  I am thankful for my nice house. It's warm as winter is coming, and it's as pretty as Pat and I can make it, and it's a wonderful place to gather my family and friends together. It's comfortable. It's not too big to keep clean (I keep telling myself, LOL!) and the deck is hilarious. Yep, very thankful for my house.

Thankfulness Post, Day 6:  I am so thankful for books. The possibilities in books are endless! I can go live someone else's life for a while with fiction, I can be tutored with How-To books, I can be exposed to new ideas, I can learn to cook a new recipe. Books are my friends. I have a kindle (thank you Bethie!) but I will always love REAL books with printed pages and beautiful illustrations better. And pop-up books are so much fun. Loving and appreciating books today. Gotta go read something! ~LOL~

Day 7, Thankfulness post:  I am filled with gratitude to the Earth. I am just starting to really understand that I belong to the Earth, the Earth doesn't belong to me. My body is a gift from Earth to my soul. Thank you Gaia, for nurturing me regardless of my appreciation or understanding. You are a true mother to me. Help me deepen my awareness and make choices that reflect that knowledge. Thank you for the examples you present on how to do that. I am truly grateful.

Thankfulness post, Day 8:  Today, two dear friends are getting married. I am so thankful to have witnessed their growing love. What an honor to watch them exchange vows and pledge their lives to each other ... I feel I should say ... again. I am sure they've been together in many lifetimes. Congratulations Mary Ann and Dom! I am so thankful to have you both in my life!

Thankfulness, day 9:  I am so grateful to the Universe for lining things up so well for our new car lease. I sold the Chevy on Thursday night, and this morning got a phone call about a new deal that just came out on a Toyota Camry... and we just drove it home. I won't go into all the details (unless you beg me) but the stars aligned to get us exactly what we wanted. The Universe loves us, and our gratitude abounds!

Day 10, Thankfulness:  I am pretty thankful today for my teachers. I have had many in my life, and I'm sure more are coming. Some lead by example, some by writing books, some by talking to me, some teach thru oral tradition via cds. Some teach by loving me, even when I really screw up. Thank you, teachers. I love you so much.

Thankful November, post 11:  I am so thankful for all my grandchildren. Between Pat and I, we have eight, two girls and six boys, with another girl on the way, ages 19 to 2. They keep me connected to the youth of the world; remembering the volatility of emotions of the hormone years, and the little ones connect me with my own child-like wonder that this world inspires. I am so lucky to have them all, and I love them so much.

‎12: Thankful today for abundant food and the pleasure of having my daughter with me, cooking it. Pies are in the oven, birthday cake on the launch pad, stuffing next. I am so blessed.

November 16, Thankfulness:  I am so happy that we are getting so much framing to do. Having orders to fill is wonderful, keeps us in business. The people who we meet thru our business are all so interesting. Because of the triggers of our images, we get a chance to hear a lot of interesting stories. People are so neat. Thanks, Universe, for nostalgia, which is the backbone of our business!

November 17:  Wow, the month is zipping by! Today I am so grateful that I have such wonderful siblings. My brother, Johnny, is one of the kindest and "good-est" man I know. My sister Margie has always been caring, fun, and loving to me. And my Bethie is probably the person who knows me the best in the world, just based on time together... from when I was 13 months old til now at (OMG) 56. Bethie is coming over today to work on my "thankfulness tree" and I am anticipating such a good time. I am so blessed.

Thankfulness Tree Project

This is one that Pat made for me.  I am one lucky woman.






I had a lot of responses to my photos of my tree of thanks. 

Wow, you people are so nice! I want you to know that I got this idea from a blog post. If you go to google images and search for "thankfulness tree" you'll find a LOT of ways to do it. I think it's great. I am REALLY TIRED of all the commercialism in this world and I am fighting it with gratitude for what I already have, one post/tag/prayer at a time! November 18 at 8:13am

Catey came over today and made some tags: she is thankful for school, Princess (her dog) and Mom Dad Pat Jan. Gosh, she's fun! My grandson AJ came over last night and scribbled on some tags (he's three) and hung them all over the tree. I love this tree.  November 18 at 10:38pm


Thankfulness, November 18:  I am thankful for my computer. I really love how it has changed my life. It is a great tool that I use all the time. I use it to do the books for the business, to make labels for framed prints and for cards, to look at, organize, and manipulate pictures. I use it to play and share music, to run charts, to read books, as the brains for my "copy machine" and as an encyclopedia. And best of all, I use it to interact with all the people I know via email and facebook. Grateful for you today, Big Blue!

Thank you, November 19:  Today I am grateful for sound, particularly music. I am listening to birds chirp outside in the sunshine, in November, in Buffalo. How would I know to wonder without sound? I can hear my beloved murmuring on the phone, making my heart swell. I can pick out music that suits my mood and soar with it. I am so lucky to have ears, and to be able to hear.

Link to 'Morning Has Broken' by Cat Stevens
www.youtube.com


I Come From the Stars

November 20:  Feeling thankful today that Pat is feeling better. He is SO important to me, that when he is not feeling well, when he is not happy and I can't help him turn it around, I feel despairing. So glad that he is better. So thankful. Did you ever notice when you feel 'down' that relief from that place feels higher than you felt originally? Or maybe it's just me. Right now I feel like a balloon that's been held underwater and just POPPED way above the surface and is floating. Sigh. If you see me float by, give a little wave!

November 21, gratitude:  It's nine o'clock in the morning and I've already been so thankful by what I've read in the paper. There is a church in Depew that GAVE everyone $100 to use as they see fit this holiday season. A church that gives instead of asks for. I see that as a real paradigm shift!

November 22, thankfulness:  I am thankful today for all the dust in my house because it just goes to show how long it's been since I took the time away from all the fun things I am doing to actually clean it! hahahah! I am having FUN, Dust! So hang out, I like realizing I don't care about you!

November 23, Gratitude Post:  I am grateful today for some cooked food that Stacey Van Horsen and Greg Stark gave me on Sunday. I have been eating enchiladas for two meals and am just finishing them off for lunch. Pat is eating ribs. I love to cook, but I also love to not cook, and it's such a treat to just open the fridge and find something already made that you wouldn't make yourself. Life is good, and getting better!

November 24, Thanksgiving:  I have so many blessings. The people in my life, my family and friends, all the little children I know and learn from, my facebook community, my spiritual community. Thank you for being in my life. I appreciate your reflection. Happy Thanksgiving to all 'my' people! Feel the JOY!

November 25 Thankfulness Post:  Today two of my grandchildren are here ... Catey (6) and Jimmy (11). I am so thankful that they are becoming cousin-friends. I see how their parents are so connected to their own cousins-friends, and I appreciate that now is when the bonding happens. What sweetness in my house today. They are so good to each other. I am so grateful to witness.

November 26, Gratitude Post:  Grateful today that I'm here to witness all the love. The grandkids are so sweet to each other. Also glad I am not as sick as I could be ... feeling crummy but realizing that this is as bad as it's gonna get ... and it's not that bad. Phew.

So here's a scientific proof of why you should take time to count your blessings every day....

My cousin, Bryan LaVigne sent me this link via email:
A Serving of Gratitude Brings Healthy Dividends
A new series of experiments and studies shows, for the first time, that the feeling of gratitude is linked to lower rates of aggression.


Gratitude Post, November 27:  I am trying to be thankful for turkey. I have so much of it. We had Jimmy Thanksgiving last week and I dutifully used up all the leftovers. And now, with regular Thanksgiving, I have a fridge full of leftovers, still. Meat, carcass for soup, stuffing, mashed potatoes, squash. So I am telling myself that I am so fortunate to have this abundance of food because there are so many that have nothing. And we rarely have turkey, so we are lucky to have it. And if we eat turkey leftovers, I won't have to cook .... Nothing is really moving me. OH, I KNOW! I am grateful to have a freezer so I can freeze all this abundance to eat in January!

November 28, Thankfulness Post:  I am so grateful for our new car. We leased a Toyota Camry for 3 years. It is fun to drive. And the best part, when Pat filled the tank today, it was only $41. We had driven over 200 miles before we filled it ... all city driving. This is just incredible! We have been getting about 12 mpg in the truck using diesel fuel, which is about 60 cents more a gallon right now. Better for the environment, better for our pocketbook, I couldn't be happier!

November 29, Gratitude for today:  "So nice to have a man around the house!" Pat always says this when I have something for him to do that I can't do for myself. He is pretty handy. I admire him for his creative problem solving skills and his ability to actually DO the work. He is the perfect man for me and I am so lucky to have him!

November 30 gratitude post:  Feeling huge amounts of gratitude to everyone that joined me on my November Gratitude Project. It was wonderful seeing all the positive posts on my FB wall each day. Sometimes when I didn't feel the gratitude you picked me up and helped me find my way. I am feeling much more "Christmassy" now than I did right after Halloween when the Commercial Christmas Season began. Thank you to everyone who participated ~ I am so grateful to have such like-minded friends. Let the Joy and Love of the Christmas Season fill you with happiness. Sending you Love and Light!  xoxoxo

My Mornings

My husband unloads the dishwasher and makes the coffee in the morning. Not having to do those chores makes me feel so indulged and cared about and loved. I thank the Universe every day for sending me such a good man, my sweet and loving Patrick.

Pat started going swimming three days a week a few years back. He gets up at 6:20 AM (ugh), gets dressed very quietly and goes downstairs and makes coffee. When I do the dishes after supper, I wash some stuff by hand, and most stuff goes in the dishwasher. The stuff that I wash by hand is left to dry overnight on the counter in front of the coffeepot, so he starts putting that away just to get to the coffee grinder. After he gets the coffee started, he does chores – taking out the garbage, unloading the dishwasher. After the coffee is done, he pours it in a carafe, some in his travel mug, and leaves for the pool by 7:15 AM or so.

One of my least favorite tasks is unloading the dishwasher. I don’t know why, but I hate doing it. It doesn’t make sense, before I had a dishwasher I did all the dishes by hand, then I unloaded the dish drainer without a qualm. A dish drainer of clean dishes and a dishwasher of clean dishes is the same damn thing. In the past I’ve left clean dishes in the dishwasher for a couple days, letting dirty dishes pile up in the sink… this is the kind of rebelliousness that rises to the surface until I finally get a good grip on myself. I got through those funks by consciously chanting the affirmation, “I am so LUCKY to have a dishwasher, I am SO lucky to have a dishwasher” repeatedly for a few unloadings, until sanity returned.

But with all this unreasonableness churning inside me about putting away clean dishes, imagine how wonderful it feels to me to wake up in the morning, sometimes as late as 8 AM, stroll down the stairs, and find the kitchen counter cleared off, the dishwasher unloaded, and my coffee cup left out in front of the coffee carafe, ready to be filled. Hallelujah! I don’t have to do a chore I dislike! The coffee is ready, no waiting! The newspaper is on the table, ready to be perused! What a feeling of satisfaction. Of indulgence. Of caring. Of love.

So I read the paper (only the good parts) or go to the computer to read my mail and see what’s happening with all my friends on facebook. I have a feeling of well-being to start my day. Love. Joy. Connection to the Universe and the Creator. Just because my husband takes fifteen minutes out of his day to take care of me.

Life is good. I am so lucky.

Tennis Ball Music

My five year old granddaughter is a great deal of fun. I am doing my best to encourage all her interests, especially ones we share. And we both love music.

I have over 12,000 songs in my music library. I get them from the library, mostly, and rip them to my hard drive. It’s fun, and I get to try different types of music and give it a chance to grow on me. Still having a hard time with RAP, but I guess I just haven’t found the right songs yet.

Catey loves to drum. She has been drumming since before she could talk, banging her hands on surfaces, and then learning to pick up assorted tools to strike different objects, getting distinctive noises. It was lots of fun to experiment with her; showing her how it sounds to bang on a plastic tray, and then the difference of banging on a metal pot. Her eyes would get wide, and she would get a delighted grin on her face.


Now that she is five years old, we play music. We go through my music library, listening for a few moments to each song. If she is interested in the song she will ask me about it, and if she really likes it she will have me put it on a CD to play in the car when her mother is driving. She brings me over her CDs to put on my computer, just in case I don’t have Raggs the Dogg and his repertoire in the computer’s memory.

I have some crazy blank CDs I picked up somewhere: there are two each of five different designs of balls. Catey wants all of her songs on these CDs. So far she has baseball and basketball, and the other day we made tennis ball. (I have to admit that I didn’t know it was a tennis ball, Catey just called it that and that is when I recognized it!)


Her Basketball CD is all Southern Rock songs that have a fast beat and really rock, like Refried Funky Chicken by the Dixie Dregs, and The South’s Gonna Do It Again by Charlie Daniels Band. We branched out with the Baseball CD, where I introduced her to some fun songs like Who Let the Dogs Out by Baha Men and If I Had a Million Dollars by Barenaked Ladies, and even Beep Beep (Little Nash Rambler) by the Playmates.

The newest CD is the Tennis Ball CD. She really likes how some songs start slow and get faster like Beep Beep and 30,000 Pounds of Bananas. So every song that starts slow she’ll ask, “Does it get faster, Grandma?” and if it does, she’ll listen to the whole song before she decides to reject it or keep it. Other slower songs are immediately passed by, to find something with a faster beat. It’s fun seeing what she’ll like.


So we made the Tennis Ball CD. A few days later we were in the kitchen cooking and I was playing one of my CDs, maybe Paul Simon, which was not rock and roll enough for her. She went and got the Tennis Ball CD out of her backpack and we put that on, and we were singing the songs and dancing a bit while I did dishes. And then the Le Freak came on. Do you remember it? “Freak OUT!” It’s a disco song – great rhythmic beat, right out of my late teen years. And do you know what Catey said when she heard it? She said, “I like this song, Grandma. It’s from the movie 102 Dalmatians.”

For some reason, this made me lose my mind, and shriek with laughter. OK, Catey. Got ‘cha. This 1978 disco hit by Chic, one of the greatest hits of the last 50 years, on the Billboard charts for seven weeks, the best selling song of all time for Atlantic Records, and Catey’s reference is the Disney Movie 102 Dalmatians.

Now I can’t tell you if Le Freak is in that movie or not, but I can tell you I’ll never hear it again without cracking up. But I am pretty happy that Catey is having this great musical education and that she has such eclectic tastes in music.

The last time she came over she made up her own song and sang it for a solid hour. While I was cooking. And tired. “I’m going to sing it over and over again, Grandma, and you tell me which one you think is the best, OK?” OK, Catey. You’ve got it. I’m glad you’re singing, my darling. Keep singing. I’ll keep introducing you to great music, and when you find the music you love, you share it with me. And make up your own songs. And sing them loud, OK?

Here are all the songs on Catey’s Tennis Ball CD:

Le Freak by Chic
Splish Splash by Bobby Darin
Yakety Yak by the Coasters
Lollypop by the Chordettes
The Name Game by Shirley Ellis
A Spoonful of Sugar by Disney
The Monkey’s Uncle by Disney
The Ugly Bug’s Ball by Disney
The Work Song by Disney
Minnie’s Yoo Hoo by Disney
Papa Oom Mow Mow by the Persuasions
Gitarzan by Ray Stevens
The Streak by Ray Stevens
Funiculi Funicula by Raggs Kidds Club Band

 Baseball CD:

Who Let the Dogs Out? by Baha Men
Beep Beep (The Little Nash Rambler by The Playmates
Under the Sea by Disney
The Hokey Pokey by Ray Anthony
The Work Song by Disney
If I Had a Million Dollars by Bare Naked Ladies
Car Wash by I am not sure which version this is…
Chim Chim-Cherrie by Disney
Traffic Jam by James Taylor
Hot Rod Lincoln by - I can’t figure it out…
A Spoonful of Sugar by Disney
Workin’ at the Carwash Blues by Jim Croce
Start Me Up by the Rolling Stones
Gimme Some Lovin’ by The Spencer Davis Group
Cadillac Car from Dreamgirls Soundtrack
(Don’t Fear) The Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult

Basketball CD: (songs are all from the album Southern Rock Gold)

Sweet Home Alabama by Lynyrd Skinner
Heard it in a Love Song by The Marshall Tucker Band
If You Wanna Get To Heaven by
The South’s Gonna Do It Again by Charlie Daniels Band
Champagne Jam by Atlantic Rhythm Section
Guitar Town by Steve Earl
Walk Softly on This Heart of Mine by the Kentucky Headhunters
Nothing Matters But the Fever by Sea Level
Refried Funky Chicken by the Dixie Dregs
Keep Your Hands to Yourself by the Georgia Satellites
Only You and I Know by Delaney and Bonnie
Keep On Smilin’ by Wet Willie
Dixie Chicken by Little Feat
There Goes Another Love Song by The Outlaws
Street Corner Serenade by Wet Willie
Travelin’ Shoes by Elvin Bishop
Don’t Misunderstand Me by Rossington-Collins Band
Free Bird by Lynyrd Skinner

My Twentieth Anniversary

A million years ago, or just yesterday, I married the most wonderful man. It seems like we have been together forever. But I can remember the happiness of walking down the aisle towards my handsome husband, grinning like a fool, as if it just happened yesterday.

My Patrick has been a fun partner and a loyal friend. He has been a stalwart anchor for our family, a sweet and generous lover, a kind man that greets the world with open arms and a smile. He is a happy soul with unlimited energy, drive, determination, and ability to achieve anything he wants. He is a man who is in touch with his feelings, and he brings out the best in others. I feel extremely lucky that he chose me to be his partner – twenty years ago today.

We met in September of 1987 – he was going through a painful divorce, and I was recovering from my mother’s death of just the year before. It took me five long years to recover from the fallout of my own divorce, and I had two young children and a handicapped sister that depended on me. Life was OK; maybe a little hard. And then I met Patrick.

We must have known each other before, in other lifetimes, because I felt so drawn to him right from the beginning. It was like coming home. We had so much fun together, from outings to watching TV movies, and laughter is woven throughout all my memories.

It hasn’t been all fun and games; we’ve had our hard times. Raising children that aren’t yours by birth is not the easiest job; Pat struggled with two teenage girls and all the emotional upheaval that means. Job troubles, health troubles, family troubles, we’ve been through it all in various degrees. But we’ve had each other, so I can’t remember many details of the hard times, because having Patrick hold me in his arms when I was despairing made all the unhappy details disappear.

You get addicted to the constancy of love when it’s good. You lean into it. You count on it. You need it.

Sometimes I wonder who I am without Patrick. Am I still the same person without his love and support? Is it possible to define who I am without defining who I love and who loves me? I don’t know anymore. The lines are so blurry. But I like it like this. I love reaching out and feeling him right there.

He is my biggest fan. He supports everything I do. He thinks I am smart, and beautiful, and sexy. And because he sees me that way, I am.

I love his stories. I admire his generosity, his friendliness, his work ethic. I respect him, I enjoy him, I love him. I hope he knows how much.

I am so happy that I have had these years with him. Bonus years. I know I’m lucky for what I’ve had, but I am selfishly praying for at least twenty more. I’ll keep taking care of him, giving him vitamins and backrubs. Because he is mine. And I love him.

Happy Anniversary, Patrick. I love you. ~Your Janice


September 29, 1990 ~ September 29, 2010

Peace

My sister has been visiting – she was here for ten days. She went home on Tuesday, and to tell you the truth, much as I love her, I was ready for her to go. Somehow I became so worn down, so tired, so depleted. It wasn’t just her visit; it was life and all its demands, too.


After she left on Tuesday I sat in my red recliner and read. I finished a book I had started and read its sequel by 11 PM. On Wednesday I still felt listless and tired, but my five-year-old granddaughter came over and we played until dinnertime, I cooked dinner, and visited with our neighbors. Today I had an appointment to cut and color my hair, something that really needed doing, but I didn’t want to go. I was just feeling so worn down. There are so many things on my TO-DO list. But I did go.


And a funny thing happened. I was sitting in the chair with my head in the sink. My hair was being washed. The warm water felt good and Renee's fingers massaging my scalp felt wonderful. Suddenly I felt this feeling of peace come over me. The load lifted. Right then, there was no TO-DO list. I didn’t have to do anything, just sit there and shut my eyes and enjoy it.


I wasn’t talking because I was too tired, and it’s amazing how just shutting up can change you. I felt a stillness inside that I rarely feel. I almost wondered if my internal fire had gone out.


I still feel it now, and recognize it for what it is. It is that connection to the universe, to the Creator that is sometimes so elusive. I almost always feel that connection as JOY!!! (with exclamation points) but I realized today that I can feel that connection with a quiet deep happiness that is beautiful. Peaceful.


Living in this state of being is nice. I had a conversation that sometimes would make me feel defensive, but today I recognized just the need for information. I didn’t feel resentment when I started to make dinner, just a calm feeling of accomplishing a necessary task. My husband walked by me as I did the dishes and I felt a blaze of love go out to him.


I like this feeling. It is nice. I will have to remember to shut up more and find this place. This is a good place. This is wholeness.


~Jan

South America

My four-year old granddaughter called me tonight at 8:15 PM. “Hi, Gram Gram!”

“Hi Catey! What’s happening tonight with you?”

“Nothing’s happening, Gramma,” she said, sounding sad. So droll…

“So is that good or bad, Catey?”

“It’s good, Gramma,” she said, sounding more upbeat.

“So Catey, do you know how much I love you?” I asked her, starting our game.

“Gramma, do you know how much I love YOU?” She took up the mantle.

“No, Catey, how much?” I chuckled.

“I love you all the way to the moon and the stars and back!” she crowed.

“Wow, Catey, that’s far. And I love you all the way to your house and back!”

“Gramma, I love you all the way to the moon and the stars and to your house and the sun, and all the way to Florida, and SOUTH AMERICA and BACK!”

I had to stop for a minute. Florida and South America were new in the game. She’s been to Florida to Disney World, but South America was totally outside the box.

“What two states do you love me there and back to, Gram Gram?”

I paused. “Africa and Washington, Catey!” She’d never heard of either one.

We played until she was bored, and then talked about brushing her teeth and some kind of blue stuff her mom puts on her teeth and then she brushes it off. And then she hung up… leaving me wondering.

South America?